We good? OK.
I am growing ever more weary of being told what I am doing wrong in my interactions with people. I admit that under the right circumstances, this is pertinent information that could help me. I fully recognize all of that. My problem is how this kind of info gets disseminated to my brain. Always negative, never finding the positive. While the reason the words are being said may be to find some greater positive, the delivery leaves much to be desired. I can only hear that I am incapable of taking risks so many times before I begin to loose my cool and want to just get out and find someone that isn't going to patronize me. Does this make me weak? Probably so, but I would rather know I am weak and think I am happy, then have my life dissected and feel like shit all of the time. The articulation that I am always afraid to do what I want in the moment is true, and once the obvious legal ramifications are moved past, this is a very good point, something I am sure is well known. I put other people before myself because I think that is the way to get what I want. I am learning that this only works never.
There was a time when I was able to walk around with confidence in myself. It may have been fake, but I had it and it was mine. As of late, I feel like I am in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest or something. I may have something to live for, but I can't see it for all the fog and disparaging comments about my masculinity. My problem is that my McMurphy isn't on the ward anymore. He left and got married. So it goes.
I know I whine a lot and this seems to be something that everyone else is aware of as well. Even people that I talked to once or twice. What I can't seem to get people to understand is that I have to whine it out before I can see the clearing. It is only then that I can step with purpose and do what I have to do. While I think the easiest solution would be to just stop talking to people, I know that is the weakness trying to kick back in and I will not let that happen this time. I f I have to, I will put my past behind me, good and bad, and move forward like I am a new person. I know that is what some people think I should do, and they probably think it is that easy as well, but I know it will not be easy. I will have to gut out some serious new moves if I am going to make this work.
So can I do it? That really depends on who you ask. I think I am capable of doing it, but I know there are people that simply don't give a shit any more. And that is fine. I understand that, for I have managed to make them feel like shit in the past. If it were strictly up to them, they would never have to deal with me again, and for all I know that has happened without my knowing. I never set out to make anyone upset or ruin lives. But I have and I will be making what I feel to be the necessary changes to prevent this from happening again.
Thank you for your time, assuming you made it this far.