Log in

The Truth

...As I See It

11/1/09 02:24 am

The weirdest feeling just washed over me. I was sitting, staring at my computer when I had a fleeting thought of something that was worrisome sending a pang through my thoracic cavity.  However, when I tries to focus on it, the thought was gone and now I am at a loss for what I was thinking about.  While I doubt this will keep me awake tonight, it was still really weird.  

I just wanted to share that.  Thanks.

10/27/09 02:55 am

I finished Insomnia and it is a good book. Quite taut and all that. King has a way of making the last 100 pages go by in a flash, making me wonder why the first 500 have to be so damn slow. But I am not complaining. I enjoy the experience.

Its weird writing here, in this space; more so now than ever. The worst feeling of all is that I can't seem to stop writing here, despite all the bullshit such actions have caused me. It is as though I am a glutton for punishment, or at the very least a person that is so wrapped up in what I want, I am unable to see the larger world and everything in it.  Which is pretty bad, since I hardly find comfort in what I share here anymore.  There is a ever nagging feeling that some turn of phrase is going to come back and bite me.  That last sentence will probably do just that as well as this one.  

In any event, I feel it is safe to say that despite my misgivings, I will continue to post here.  Why?  I couldn't say.  But it just feels right.

10/22/09 02:08 am

I have been having trouble focusing on the things that are going on in my life right now, choosing to think about the trips and other things that are coming in the future.  Normally this wouldn't bother me that much, but I am afraid that if I don't reign it in a bit, I am going to have some sort of grade problem that I will be unable to overcome.  This could also stem from the fact that I really have no idea what I am doing, but that is really for anther post all together. 

The point: Must. Focus.
Moving on.

The non-school related reading that have been doing is going pretty well, but the laziness that I seem to have contracted is really preventing me from making the dent that I would like to.  Oh well.  It will get done at some point.  Right?

Not having class the past three days have been pretty awesome as well.  It has made me realize that I could be an unemployed person very easily.  I am almost TOO good at doing nothing, which is why I am looking forward to getting to go to class tomorrow.  But it is lame, because that is it until Monday for me.  Always taunting me.  Oh well. 

That is all I can come up with at the moment.  Sleep time now, in the hopes that I am able to fall asleep before the time I did last night. 

10/14/09 12:58 am

I finished The Stand and I am quite proud of myself.  The end did drag a bit, but the more I ruminate on it, the more I think I understand what King was going for.  It is a powerful book, full of rich metaphor and symbolism, but so much that you get lost in it.  The book is a beast, and the fact that I was able to finish it and not miss any assignments is a sign that I probably need more assignments.  

Speaking of which: I am going to try and write this whole Memento Realist thing in one day, namely starting in 8 hours or so.  It will be an ordeal of epic proportions, but I think I am just the man for the job.  And if not, then I am still going to write the paper, I will just spread it out some.  

The next King book I am going to tackle is Insomnia, ironic only in the fact that I have yet to be scared shit-less by any of King's creations.  We shall see if this is the one!

10/12/09 01:42 am

As I gear up for a week that is likely to strip all of the life out of me, I figured I would post something that is mildly fun before I turn in for the night.

I was able to hang out with an old friend of mine today. I haven't seen him in some time, but it was nice to talk, even for a short time. It is weird to see how time has change some people and the way they view the world, or at least certain aspects of it. He informed me that I will more than likely be an usher in his wedding, which will be pretty cool. It will be in Dallas, though, which will be an interesting trip to say the least. All in all, I find it extremely striking to think about the people I have emotionally impacted. I wonder what it is about me that draws me to them, or vice versa for all I know. There is something there that I can not see, or feel that must exist. Maybe it is for the best that I don't understand this. I would probably screw it up if I had a more thorough understanding of it. 

I have about 226 pages left in The Stand, and I am ready to be done with it.  It is extremely good, but I need a change of scenery or something.  

OK.  Night.

10/2/09 09:56 pm

I went to my high school's homecoming football game tonight.  It was weird.  I was forced to realize that I didn't know but two people there.  Needless to say, I felt rather old.  It also forced me to realize how much, deep down, I disliked high school.  At the time, I made do with the events that were given to me, but as I look at these kids running around doing whatever the hell they were doing, I try to remember what I was doing when I was in their position, and I simply can not.  Now sure, there were plenty of great moments in the three years I was at that place, but outside of that I really have no reason to like it.  And I don't.  

That is all I have to say at the moment.  

9/30/09 01:19 am

I read a book today, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, beginning to end. It wasn't bad, and since it was on the banned book list for this year, I unwittingly supported that cause. It is a coming of age story set in the early 1990's, so there is all sorts of stuff that parents don't want their young, impressionable children to read about; all of which their kids are probably more versed in than said parents could ever imagine. I still think that Catcher in the Rye is better, but this is still a book worth reading if you are into that sort of thing, or feel that Catcher is somehow out of touch with "Today's Youth".

I am now back to the grind of Dark Tower. I have 9 left in my epic pursuit, which will be followed by me reading everything else he has written; admittedly a much greater epic pursuit. The Stand is next. So there that is.

School is kicking up, but still not as much as I would have imagined. I have a feeling that I am going to wake up at some point and realize that this has all been a dream and I am failing everything, but until that day, I will keep at it in much the same fashion as I am now. I will be having to write a paper relating Bazin's writings to Memento, which should be a great way to sweat away the pounds. I really have no idea how that is going to work, but I will figure something out. First I have to find a way to relate Hannah Arendt to Close to Heaven, which will somehow be just as hard for completely different reasons. So there that is.

I keep having thoughts about what it is that I plan on doing with the rest of my life, and I fear that I might be wasting some of my time with what I am doing at the moment.  Not that the things I am learning have no place, or I don't find it interesting.  I do find it interesting and it certainly isn't a waste.  These thoughts don't last long, mainly because I tell myself that I can use anything I learn to do whatever I want.  But with each passing day, and the more I read King, the more I want to find my own voice and write something that could change the life of someone.  It sin't so much that I want to be the next Stephen King, but I want to be in command of my mind that I could have a thought and let it loose on the page, crafting it into something that is not only interesting or intriguing, but something that speaks to people and makes them want to turn the page.  I just want to create something.  That is it.

9/18/09 12:56 am - You all probably know this already

But I am going to prose-ify it a bit.

I am on my phone doing this because, while I can see livejournal on my computer, I still can't post. So this is taking waykre time than I would like it to. Oh well.

I asked Lady T today about her feelings for me, something my personality was requiring so that I could stop being a bastard to the people I see on a daily basis. She filled me, telling me that she did not like me and that she in fact has the hots for this other ass clown in one of our classes. I was expecting all of this, but that didn't make it any easier to take. That said, I think I kept up a pretty good front, and hey! I have a great new friend!

Sarcasm aside, I realize that friends are great, some even necesary to survive. But there are times that it would be nice for things to work out the way I would like them to. I know there is a great deal of hypocracy in that statement, but if I am to be honst with myself in this moment, that is how I feel.

Yes. I am sure this is a sign that something even netter is on the horizon and all I need to do is grow a pair of patience, but it all felt so right. And it all went wrong.

Ok. Enough of the pity party. I am over it and ready to seize the day. After I get a good night's rest.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.


9/14/09 11:04 pm

If it were possible for another person to live inside my head, the first question I would ask said person is why the hell he or she would want to be in my head. The second question I would ask them, assuming they were moving in in the next couple of days, would be "Why do I do this to myself? Is it because I like to feel like this? Cause I don't think that is it. I really think it is because I am incapable of fully extricating my feelings in a way that is understandable to people that are not me. What do you think?" That is what I would say to the new people in my head, were they to be moving in anytime soon. They are not, however, and as a result I have to spell out everything I think so that someone else can share the load that I am apparently unable to do by myself. Sure, that is what friends and family is for, to help in the hard times, and that truly is great. But sometimes I need to know that I am able of doing something by myself, and when I am not able to even get the nerve up to make a simple passing comment, I feel there is a breakdown in the system. Am I over-reacting? More than likely, because no matter the outcome, putting my personal health on the line is not going to make anything better, but it sure as shit can make it worse.

In other news, I am making good headway on my "Getting all the Dark Tower stuff read by Christmas" reading...thing. 4 down, 11 to go. Will I make? Does anyone actually give a shit?

I believe the answer to both questions is probably not.

9/12/09 02:02 am - I hate feeling like I'm the only one

I need to write. That is the point of this post, nothing more. I am not sure what is going to come out of the tips of my fingers, but I can assure you that whatever it is, I will not mean it when I am done. So please put your heart back in your chest; it is soiling your sleeve.

I wish I could read people's emotions with the same skill that I read books. There are several applications of this skill that would be of the utmost use at the moment. As it is, however, I am stuck being oblivious in all realms of human contact. And what I lack in reading skill, I seem to make up for in self-pity, which no one really likes, or so I have heard. None of this gets your name in the headlines, which is a shame since I am a pro in both areas.

I have these moments where I truly believe that I want to write. They quickly are replaced by the sensation that I have nothing to write about, nothing worth saying. The things that dwell in my mind the most have no narrative thread, and as such would make horrible reading experiences for anyone that would dare pick up my book. Sure, I haven't lived long enough to know what real life is, but that cop out will only last about 2 more years, by my watch, and I don't see my mindset changing too much in that time to allow me to put finger to keyboard and plink out something that is awe-inspiring.

Yeah, I know it doesn't work like that, but let me dream.

I think I have something to say, but it won't come out. I want to tell the world to fuck off and leave me alone, let me do my thing and be happy in my bubble. It won't happen like that, and sometimes that's OK, but more and more I have the thought that if I could just work up the nerve to speak what I feel to the people I feel it about my relationships would be better because there would be less bullshit between me and the people I was talking to. This is probably more of my wishful thinking, but who is to say, really. The bottom line is I need to grow a pair and make something happen in my life, see what ever it is that others seem to see in me. If 9 out of 10 dentists agree, then there must actually be something there.

I just feel like Johnny Marinville most of the time. If you don't know who that is, I am sure Wikipedia will be able to help you. The above self-revelation is only true in one respect; I lack the ability to let the things that have happened to me go, and as such, I replay them, each time making things worse and worse until I have damned myself to the point that I can't get back the original. I might be reading too much into his character's subtext, but that is whatever.

Alright. Bed time.
Powered by LiveJournal.com