Pavmonis (theo_the_honest) wrote,

I should be working on my paper, but instead I am here posting about my "troubles".  Strap in.

I am listening to Simon and Garfunkel, which I think just taps into that thing that exists in people which drives them to wish for a time when things were simple.  Alas, I don't think that time ever actually existed.  It is a figment of our imagination that allows us to think we are going to make it through whatever it is is in the present that has us down.  For me at the moment, it is that tried and true issue of feeling out of place no matter where I am.  I refuse to conform to what others think I should be.  I may eventually end up doing what these people think I should be doing, but I want to come to the conclusion on my own, not with the badgering of people that may or may not know what they are talking about.  If 24 hour news has proved anything, it is that there are experts everywhere, ready to tell you how the world works and why you are going to die alone in a house you will never own.  

I have to say that being in a student population that consists almost completely of undergraduate students is a real bummer and a wake-up call.  "How is it a bummer, Joe?  Wouldn't being surrounded by their youthful vigor infuse your personal life with a renewed sense of purpose and wonder?"  Nope.  Just pisses me off to see a new crop of kids pre-dream shattering realization that their lives will be no different than mine in just 4 short years.  "How does the wake-up call come into the mix, Joe?" I have realized that I must move forward with my education, at my own pace, and at a school where I am actually a number.  This "being a name" thing is for the birds, mainly because it is a load of bull, but also because being lost in a crowd seems like fun, as long as you can not get trampled in the surging onslaught of information and pomp from on high.  

It is horrible that I have a crush on three different 18 year old girls, none of which really give a shit.  And why should they?  I am the weird guy that works in the mail room and tries to awkwardly start conversations with them when they come to claim their packages.  I try to not show that I am completely useless when it comes to being cool, but in so doing, I fail all the more.  The true sadness is that I see myself failing and I do nothing to prevent it from happening.  I have become the stereotypical dude that believes all of what he thinks about himself, as opposed to forcing himself to believe that he is the Man.  No amount of positive talk from others really helps either, because it is clear all those people want is for you to return the favor.  Sure, this is good to do for those people that are willing to put themselves out there for you, but history has a tendency to hang around and assert itself at very inopportune moments.  There are things I know and will never be able to forget that do not allow me to be the kind of person I probably should be.  Cop out?  Maybe.  

Why should I care though?  If I don't look out for myself, I WILL get trampled in the crowd as it surges toward the light at the end of the tunnel.  The fact that it is possible to turn anything in on itself will always be the reason I will feel this way.  Wrap that around your head and scream.  See what happens.  

You might be surprised. 
Tags: you guessed it
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