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The Truth

...As I See It

10/16/10 06:43 pm

I should be working on my paper, but instead I am here posting about my "troubles".  Strap in.

I am listening to Simon and Garfunkel, which I think just taps into that thing that exists in people which drives them to wish for a time when things were simple.  Alas, I don't think that time ever actually existed.  It is a figment of our imagination that allows us to think we are going to make it through whatever it is is in the present that has us down.  For me at the moment, it is that tried and true issue of feeling out of place no matter where I am.  I refuse to conform to what others think I should be.  I may eventually end up doing what these people think I should be doing, but I want to come to the conclusion on my own, not with the badgering of people that may or may not know what they are talking about.  If 24 hour news has proved anything, it is that there are experts everywhere, ready to tell you how the world works and why you are going to die alone in a house you will never own.  

I have to say that being in a student population that consists almost completely of undergraduate students is a real bummer and a wake-up call.  "How is it a bummer, Joe?  Wouldn't being surrounded by their youthful vigor infuse your personal life with a renewed sense of purpose and wonder?"  Nope.  Just pisses me off to see a new crop of kids pre-dream shattering realization that their lives will be no different than mine in just 4 short years.  "How does the wake-up call come into the mix, Joe?" I have realized that I must move forward with my education, at my own pace, and at a school where I am actually a number.  This "being a name" thing is for the birds, mainly because it is a load of bull, but also because being lost in a crowd seems like fun, as long as you can not get trampled in the surging onslaught of information and pomp from on high.  

It is horrible that I have a crush on three different 18 year old girls, none of which really give a shit.  And why should they?  I am the weird guy that works in the mail room and tries to awkwardly start conversations with them when they come to claim their packages.  I try to not show that I am completely useless when it comes to being cool, but in so doing, I fail all the more.  The true sadness is that I see myself failing and I do nothing to prevent it from happening.  I have become the stereotypical dude that believes all of what he thinks about himself, as opposed to forcing himself to believe that he is the Man.  No amount of positive talk from others really helps either, because it is clear all those people want is for you to return the favor.  Sure, this is good to do for those people that are willing to put themselves out there for you, but history has a tendency to hang around and assert itself at very inopportune moments.  There are things I know and will never be able to forget that do not allow me to be the kind of person I probably should be.  Cop out?  Maybe.  

Why should I care though?  If I don't look out for myself, I WILL get trampled in the crowd as it surges toward the light at the end of the tunnel.  The fact that it is possible to turn anything in on itself will always be the reason I will feel this way.  Wrap that around your head and scream.  See what happens.  

You might be surprised. 

9/10/10 09:28 pm - Long Time

As I sit in my room, listening to the bros and brochicas play volleyball, I realize that I am done.  "With what?" I hear you ask.  With the whole idea of finding what it is I think I want from life.  It is time for me to get real and start doing what I need to do to get by.  These senseless dreams that I am having, in which positive things are happening left and right, are for the birds.  I am not trying to come off as though I am being a pessimist.  While this shoe might fit me well in some situations, I have realized that my mind has been altered to the point where it can not be saved.  I have allowed too many external forces to impart their wishes on me, and I am indelibly changed.  No longer am I the person I want to be; I am now the person they have made me.  I can change, and I am aim to do so.  But for now I must deal with bigger things, like writing my fucking thesis and figuring out where and when I am going to move on to the next level of my education.  To think that I am at this point capable of starting something new and exciting is foolish, and there for something only a fool would do.  And my fooling around time is over. 

I can.  I will.  No matter the human cost.

4/24/10 07:06 pm

I only have a few minutes at the moment to dash this bitch off, but it has been a while, so I thought I would jot something down nonetheless.  

There are two weeks left for  the semester.  I can make it, I think.  The difficult part is going to be focusing long enough on what I need to be doing to actually get it done.  Shouldn't be a problem if I can keep my nuts from getting busted.  I mean this in the academic way, the job way, and the social way.  Not enough time or the proper clearance to go into all of that at the moment, but I will be back to edit later. 

My PS3 is bricked, i.e. it has stopped working.  I will be buying a new one as soon as I can justify the money being spent/ need to play a game so bad I can't stand it anymore.  More on this later as well. 

I have to go, but I will fill in some of these blanks later.  Until then!

EDIT:

It is a couple hours later and I have nothing but time, so here we go.

School is school.  No surprises there.  I have two finals left and as soon as I get the damn prompts, I will write those papers and be done with it.  This will most certainly be complicated by the other two things I mentioned earlier.  I have a new job proposition here at school, doing something that is completely different from what I have been doing.  I would be more specific, but I am really not supposed to be talking about it in great detail, so I better stick to that.  It will probably be fun, it is just that I have to start doing some prelim work for that position this week and I am not too sure how I am going to fit it in, but I will do what I can and make it work.  Combine all of that with the fact that I have Mary-E wanting to hang out before she leaves forever, something that I understand but doesn't get easier to deal with.  I know she wants to hang out, and I know that I will more likely than not instigate those hang out times myself.  As such she does her best, but it usually transpires when I about to go do something else.  As such it looks like I am avoiding her.  Should I schedule my life different for the next two weeks?  Maybe.  Am I?  I haven't decided yet.  

Like I said earlier, my PS3 decided it didn't want to do its job anymore and quit.  This would be fine except I want it to work and finding another PS3 to fill the space it is leaving is going to run me a pretty penny, something that I don't quite have at the moment.  Granted, if I didn't spend my money like it was going out of style, this would be less of an issue, but since I have been doing a bit of that the past couple of weeks, this is the position I find myself in.  It will work out, and will probably aid in the focus I was referring to earlier as well.  It is truly a minor frustration, but one that I would prefer not have to deal with.  

I just got back from seeing Me and Orson Welles, a fine film but not spectacular.  Christian McKee was amazing though, holy shit.  He worked that shiz.  Efron was OK, I guess.  Overall, I enjoyed myself.  Saw A Prophet on Thursday and it was truly incredible.  A real must see if you can. 

I am pretty sure I am losing my hair and not in a dignified way either.  Like in patches scattered across my head.  I am fairly certain that it doesn't show that bad, but what do I care.  Not like anyone is commenting on it yet, so I might just be making it all up.  

Anyway, this kind of spiraled out of control at the end.  Sorry.  Life is OK, my health seems to be making it, I shouldn't be complaining.  So I won't.  Till next time.

4/4/10 02:31 pm - Writer's Block: Let's stay friends

Do you stay in touch with your former romantic partners? Have most of your break-ups been amicable or messy?

HAHAHAHAHAHahahHAhHAhahHAh.  Yes. 

4/2/10 11:29 pm

Man, I haven't posted in forever, but that is about to change, as you have probably already assumed, since you are reading this. 

There is a month of school left and as usual, I am shitting my pants with 7 papers to write in that time.  I shouldn't feel as bad as I do since I have been more or less working on the research components of these papers for a while now, but the fact that the time to write them is upon me makes me want to kick and scream.  I think if I am able to get one done, that will start a chain reaction that will end with a clean slate and a modicum of free time that I shouldn't have right now, but I kinda make anyway. 

Started It a couple of days ago, and so far it isn't bad.  Admittedly I am only 80 pages into an 1100 page book, but you know.  Whatever.  

Kind of weird now that Mary-E has canceled her LJ and doesn't talk to me anymore.  Unless you count the oddly nice facebook message she sent me today.  I kept waiting for it to explode and it never did.  Anyway, there is just one person that reads this now, and the bulk of the sweet stuff I have been up to lately was done with that person, so I will leave that be.  

That's all for now. 

2/28/10 01:54 pm - Warning: The Following Will Be Full Of Depressed Slander and inarticulate whining. Be Advised.

I had a date last night with a really sweet lady.  From what I can tell, she had a good time.  I know I did.  But that isn't the point of the post.  It also isn't to intentionally upset anyone, so if you are afraid that could happen, please stop reading now and pretend this is all a figment of your imagination.  

We good?  OK.

I am growing ever more weary of being told what I am doing wrong in my interactions with people.  I admit that under the right circumstances, this is pertinent information that could help me.  I fully recognize all of that.  My problem is how this kind of info gets disseminated to my brain.  Always negative, never finding the positive.  While the reason the words are being said may be to find some greater positive, the delivery leaves much to be desired.  I can only hear that I am incapable of taking risks so many times before I begin to loose my cool and want to just get out and find someone that isn't going to patronize me.  Does this make me weak?  Probably so, but I would rather know I am weak and think I am happy, then have my life dissected and feel like shit all of the time.  The articulation that I am always afraid to do what I want in the moment is true, and once the obvious legal ramifications are moved past, this is a very good point, something I am sure is well known.  I put other people before myself because I think that is the way to get what I want.  I am learning that this only works never.  

There was a time when I was able to walk around with confidence in myself.  It may have been fake, but I had it and it was mine.  As of late, I feel like I am in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest  or something.  I may have something to live for, but I can't see it for all the fog and disparaging comments about my masculinity.  My problem is that my McMurphy isn't on the ward anymore.  He left and got married.  So it goes.

I know I whine a lot and this seems to be something that everyone else is aware of as well.  Even people that I talked to once or twice.  What I can't seem to get people to understand is that I have to whine it out before I can see the clearing.  It is only then that I can step with purpose and do what I have to do.  While I think the easiest solution would be to just stop talking to people, I know that is the weakness trying to kick back in and I will not let that happen this time.  I f I have to, I will put my past behind me, good and bad, and move forward like I am a new person.  I know that is what some people think I should do, and they probably think it is that easy as well, but I know it will not be easy.  I will have to gut out some serious new moves if I am going to make this work.  

So can I do it?  That really depends on who you ask.  I think I am capable of doing it, but I know there are people that simply don't give a shit any more.  And that is fine.  I understand that, for I have managed to make them feel like shit in the past.  If it were strictly up to them, they would never have to deal with me again, and for all I know that has happened without my knowing.  I never set out to make anyone upset or ruin lives.  But I have and I will be making what I feel to be the necessary changes to prevent this from happening again.  

Thank you for your time, assuming you made it this far.

2/12/10 02:06 am - And I Lost It Again.

I finished rereading Akira today, and I am again reminded why the comic is so much better than the awesome movie.  Of course they are trying to make a live action version of the movie, which I think is a big mistake, but they didn't ask me.  I will have to deal with Hollywood ruining my adolescence. 

I had more to share, but I lost it in my travels.  This will have to hold you over for a while longer.  I am sure you are disappointed.  

1/10/10 06:06 pm - "I don't want to go in the fire, I just want to stay in my home."

School starts back up tomorrow and I think I am ready for it.  Mentally, I think this semester is going to be exactly what I need.  By that I mean I will have no free time to think worthless thoughts, but lots of time to build myself into a person I can look at in the mirror.  This is something that I have been struggling with, as you might assume, and I just hope that I am able to force myself into doing what I need to do.  With all the reading that is going to be necessary, I know I will be busy.  I just hope it is a good busy, as opposed to a self-imposed daily mental wracking.  Constructive mental gutter-stomping is fine only when your brain gets diamond dentures afterward. 

This break was nice and as relaxing as my breaks seem to be anymore.  Some definitely positive things gained from this break in the mentality department which, as I pointed out above, is a good thing.  If I would have known I was going to have to be 23 before somethings started to make sense I would have holed up and waited. That would have saved a great deal of emotional turmoil on many fronts.  But, alas!  That is not what happened and now I am in a position to learn from my mistakes and make new, better informed decisions about what I want in life and from life in return.  

Looking into doctoral programs is scary as shit.  That is all I have to say on that at the moment.  

All in all, I need to figure out what I want.  Once I can do that, and explain it in a nice concise sentence, I think I will be able to put a great deal of my troubles behind me.  Lets hope, shall we?

12/28/09 02:12 am

Christmas was rather interesting this year, what with the weather and the lack of people around that I am still not used to being gone. It was a good time despite these things and I have been sitting in my apartment for the last day and a half, reading Infinite Jest,which is a huge book I got for Christmas last year and was unable to finish before or during the semester last spring.  Not that this year is any smoother, but I am going to try and have it done by February.  I think I can do it.  

All of this sitting around has made me realize the way I understand myself and the way I interact with others.  I am not good at it because I fail to see how it is aiding me.  This does not apply to everyone I meet, for there are certainly people that it pays to be wonderfully nice to, but as far as a regular schmoe on the street, I have trouble being the best person in the world when it comes to dealing with him or her.  I am surprisingly ill-equipped for dealing with being alone, something that I want to be more times than not.  Irony abounds.  And time hurtles forward. 

I am turning 23 in seven days.  Weird.  I was telling a friend that this year is going to be a throwback to elementary school: no one will be at the party.  Granted, this time it will be because they are snowed into their homes all across the nation, but the effect will be the same.  I will grow more bitter and everyone else will go on about their business.  I am sure this is another case of me pretending to not care about something that I actually really care about, but what the fuck do I care if that is the case.  The more I look at things and gather information, the more I realize that I am really not ready for anything that is happening to me. 

Must.  Grow.  Balls.  

Arcade Fire is not as good as people told me they were.  I may be full of angst, but these guys are not tapping into whatever is ailing me.  Kid Cudi, however, rocks the fucking house and deserves the positive press that he is garnering.  How is that for a music review?

I know it had been a while, and it is likely to be another long spate before I update again.  But you never know.  Something crazy might happen.

11/16/09 12:50 am

As a facebook friend's status made me realize, there is approximately a month of school left. This semester has flown by and I am not sure how I feel about it. I still have a good chunk of work to do, namely papers and a bit of reading, but I have no choice but to get it done. It will not be fun, I can tell you that.

Freedom rarely leads to feeling free. Good to know.
Even when I have what I think I want, I am not happy. Also good to know.
I will one day win the game I am playing. This I must remember.
Novel thoughts are rarely original. Too bad they don't teach you that in school.
Tomorrow is a new day. I will do my best to make it through.

Listening has never been a problem for me, but hearing has. The necessary staring at a person that is talking is something that I can do with the best of them, but I am finding that I am no good at employing the words that I are thrust in my ears.
Communicating is something I feel I do well, oddly enough. I am full of words of my own construction and am able to throw them up and out with little to no effort. Sometimes I even make sense when I do it.
What is the point of this post? I can hear you asking.

And I will never tell. For the deed is done, and it can't be undone. The future is all that matters.
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